if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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