I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Mom said you looked used
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I know her cup size but not her name....
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
