Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
