As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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