I met the friendliest cop last night
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
