You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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