A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
