Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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