porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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