Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So squirting runs in the family.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
