i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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