and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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