I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
