Your face is a jimmy john
Life is so much better after having sex.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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