remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My cat gives me a boner
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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