The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
