I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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