Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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