You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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