Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
