My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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