I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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