Hey man sorry I got all grabby
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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