Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
