im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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