Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
