On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We had sex on a dog bed..
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
