dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
