you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
