I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
