I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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