Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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