His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
