yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
