hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
