do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
