Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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