I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
