I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
