So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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