im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize