Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
