I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
