I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
