If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
