Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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