I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
