I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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