you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
