O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
