I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.