She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
