I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
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He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.