sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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