I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
