Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
